Life with cancer - anger 2

There is more to anger and cancer than just the initial shock. There is the anger felt by the patient's family. This anger, in some ways, is harder to deal with than the "I've been cheated" anger because it's that and more.

After years of searching, I found the perfect woman for my wife. We married, bought a house, and began to start our life together. Both of us were in our 40's so we had a lot of time to "make up" in getting us to where we wanted to be. We were looking forward to a long and happy life together until, a mere three years into our marriage, my wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. It's cancer that has spread so far and fast that you are not expected to "recover" merely to "last as long as you can".

This changed our whole outlook. She remained positive and we determined to life our lives as well as we could. There are a variety of feelings going on there. As a husband, I was angry in the "how could this happen" manner. I also get angry from time to time at the situation that has been created. I'm angry at the fact that I'm going to lose my "life" partner way too early. I'm angry that my financial future is in grave jeopardy and I may not only lose my wife but even my house. I'm angry at the physical demands of caring for her as she slowly requires more help. Most of all, I'm angry at myself for being angry about any of this because it's nothing she can control.

Cancer is a very angry disease. It's more consuming than anyone can imagine until and unless you've been there. I hope you never have to find out.

Thoughts anyone?

Life with cancer - anger 1

Cancer is a very angry disease. It acts "angry", it generates anger, and holistic medicine would tell you that its exacerbated by anger. The most common form of anger in both those who recover and those who don't is the "why me" sort of anger. It's caused by a disease that, while some things are known to promote it's growth, is really just a random event.

My wife was a healthy, happy, non-smoking, non-drinking (and usually even non-swearing) woman in her early 40's with no family history of cancer. Despite that, she contracted a very aggressive form of breast cancer that had spread to her bones by the time they discovered the first lump. This is certainly a person who would experience an anger at how you could live your life "right" and still get the short end of the straw. She would clearly be entitled to anger and yet she felt that such a negative emotion would serve no purpose. That's ok, because I felt it for her.

It's not uncommon and perfectly understandable to feel anger at cancer. It's how you deal with it that makes a difference. My wife chose to face cancer as any other setback and not as a "personal attack" from God. She has continued to live and love and not waste time being mad. That has helped to continue to make our time together the best that it can be.

As I said, however, I'm not as good a person. I get angry but more about that next time.

Thoughts anyone?

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Life with cancer - family and friends

Cancer has a profound effect on the relationship between the cancer patient and their family and friends. They experience the gamut of emotions from denial to those who feel the patient should get right into bed and wait to die as if lying still will help them live longer. My wife had even more to deal with since she decided from the outset that she was going to continue to work full-time as an assistant store manager of a large box retail chain.

She was a very independent and self-driven woman who was used to caring for those around her instead of having them care for her. It was very hard for her to accept help from others, especially when she was feeling good. What she had to learn (and it took a while) was that her family and friends NEEDED to help as much for themselves as for her. Since they couldn't cure her disease (which is what they really wanted to do), they needed to show how much they cared by doing other things. Running errands, dropping off food and other things like this were their way of saying "we love you and want you to get well".

Once she learned this, she had many wonderful times with a variety of friends and relatives. She would accept rides to stores, visits from friends, and other chances to spend time with people who just wanted to be there. It became a blessing for her and those around her. So while it was hard, in some ways this was a positive from the onset of cancer. To be clear, one of the few.

Thoughts anyone?

Life with cancer - chemotherapy

So once you've been diagnosed with cancer, you usually being with chemotherapy. This involves the injection of poison into your system in controlled doses with the intention of hopefully killing the bad cells while not killing too many of the good ones. The result is that it lowers your red and white blood cell counts and reduces your body's ability to heal quickly.

Aside from the fact that you frequently lose your hair which is easily treatable by a wig, there are other considerations which you don't immediately realize. My wife quickly looked at getting a wig as an opportunity to try some new hairstyles. It was a chance to remake herself each morning and change her color and style to fit her mood and her clothing choice for the day. She ended up being fairly conservative and choosing long and short hair versions of close to what her natural hair looks like, but she reserved the right to go get a pink spiked hair wig at a later date.

The more daunting issue for her was that she had to be more careful around her nieces and nephews. In the previous days, a sniffle or a slight fever at our Sunday family brunch was no need for concern, but for the chemo patient, that was a big concern. It wasn't a huge change, just an issue of awareness. Something we never had to think of before. No big deal, but we knew it was a change.

Thoughts anyone?

Life with cancer - a series

So my life changed forever when I got a phone call from my wife, 4 days before Christmas 2007, telling me that she had metasticised breast cancer. This was a woman who never smoked, kept her weight under control, ate relatively healthy food, and had no history of cancer in her family. There was no indication that she would not only develop cancer, but one that was so aggressive that it went from being in detectable to widespread in just 3 months.

Her oncologist told us not to worry, that there were plenty of treatments available and that she had many years to look forward to. My wife decided to keep working and living as she had, saying, "i'm not going to let this define me.". Life continued as it was although you knew that it would never be the same.

Cancer is a progressive disease. It spreads and mutates and keeps surprising you in places that you didn't expect. It has a similar effect on your life. While you try to continue to live a "normal" life, the disease changes and spreads and surprises you in places you never expect. More on that in the next few days.

Thoughts anyone?